best funny jokes 2024|| hilarious funny jokes 2024

Instead of “the John,” I call my toilet “the Jim.”
That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work
and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They’re normally around 90 degrees.

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph.
The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over,
so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says,
“My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”

Q: What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
A: You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

I was wondering why the ball was getting
bigger. Then it hit me.

Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole
left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

Math Teacher: “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?”
Student: “A drinking problem.

Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: “Put it on my bill.”

Q: What do computers eat for a snack?
A: Microchips!

Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
A: It’s okay. He woke up.

A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?” “Do you have any proof he owes you the money?” asked the lawyer. “Nope,” replied the man. “OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you,” said the lawyer. “But it’s only $500,” replied the man. “Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!”

I was wondering why the ball kept getting
bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey.

Exaggerations have become an epidemic.
They went up by a million percent last year.

What do you call sad coffee?”
Despresso

“I stand corrected!”
Said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

A boy asks his father, “Dad, are bugs good to eat?”
“That’s disgusting. Don’t talk about things like that over dinner,” the dad replies.
After dinner the father asks, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?” “Oh, nothing,”
the boy says. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”

What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator
door was opened? Close the door, I’m dressing.

What did the swordfish say to the marlin? You’re looking sharp.

My grandfather had the heart of lion and a
lifetime ban from the New your city zoo.

A mom texts, “Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?” He texts back,
“I Don’t Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later.” The mom texts him,
“It’s ok, don’t worry about it. I’ll ask your sister,
love you too.”

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, “Give me all the money or you’re geography!” The puzzled teller replies, “Did you mean to say ‘or you’re history?'” The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!”

What kind of bagel can fly?
A plain bagel.

Q: Why did the school kids eat their homework?
A: Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”

A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies,
then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother,
asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogie in it.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a
comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now!

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie
the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.

My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god.
I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.

What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta!

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs.
They always take things so literally.

Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands.

Is it ignorance or apathy that’s destroying the world today?
I don’t know and don’t really care.

Two men meet on opposite sides of a river.
One shouts to the other, “I need you to help me get to the other side!”
The other guy replies, “You’re on the other side!”

Why is England the wettest country?
Because the queen has reigned there for years.

Brunette: “Where were you born?”
Blonde: “The United States.”
Brunette: “Which part?”
Blonde: “My whole body.”

Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
A: “Breathe, stupid!”

Q: What’s the difference between England and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him,
“If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?” Johnny says, “None.” The teacher asks, “Why?” Johnny says,
“Because the shot scared them all off.” The teacher says, “No, two, but I like how you’re thinking.”
Johnny asks the teacher, “If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream,
one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?”
The teacher says, “The one sucking her ice cream.”
Johnny says,
“No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking!”

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?
A maybe.

Three dead men go to hell at the same time. There is a white man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man. Satan tells them that they can only leave hell if he can’t do what they ask. The white man asks for the fastest sports car in the world; he goes to into hell. The Chinese man asks for the most advanced computer in the world; he goes into to hell. The Mexican man gets a glass soda bottle, farts into it, closes the lid, pokes many holes in the lid, and asks Satan which hole the fart came from. After pointing to every hole on the lid, the Mexican turns around, points at his butt hole, and says, “Nope, this one.”

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that
makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

Q: What is the tallest building in the entire world?
A: The library, because it has so many stories.

Q: Why did Adele cross the road?
A: To sing, “Hello from the other side!”

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother,
“Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!” Before the mother could raise a
concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.”
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s mom asked, “Really small, was it?” Sally replied, “No, salty.” Mom fainted.

Q: Why was six scared of seven?
A: Because seven “ate” nine.

I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda pressing.

One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, “Why are you home so early?”
He answered, “Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class.” She said,
“Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?” Jimmy replied, “The question was
‘Who threw the trash can at the principal’s head?'”

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.
Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?” Sarah waves her hand, “Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!”
Miss Rogers says, “All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?” Sarah says,
“Mas-tur-bate.” Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, Sarah, that’s a mouthful.” Sarah says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.”

reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

An old teacher asked her student,
“If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?”
The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

Q: Why did the fish blush?
A: Because it saw the ocean’s bottom.

Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
A: Envelope.

A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence.
“My father grows beans,” said one girl. “My mother cooks beans,” said a boy.
A third student spoke up, “We are all human beans.”

Don’t break anybody’s heart; they only have 1.
Break their bones; they have 206.

If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

Teacher: “Which book has helped you the most in your life?”
Student: “My father’s check book!”

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, “Only take one. God is watching.” Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

What do you call the wife of a hippie?
A Mississippi.

What did the janitor say when he jumped
out of the closet? SUPPLIES!

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

I went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey! The sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He Said, “Yes, but not in a row!”

What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

A young boy came home from school and told his mother,
“I had a big fight with my classmate. He called me a sissy.” The mother asked, “What did you do?”
The boy replied, “I hit him with my purse!”

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, “Jesús is watching you.” He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, “Jesús is watching you.” In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, “Was it you who said Jesús is watching me” The parrot replied, “Yes.” Relieved, the burglar asked, “What is your name?” The parrot said, “Clarence.” The burglar said, “That’s a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?” The parrot answered, “The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús.”

Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”

Q: Why couldn’t the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
A: She couldn’t find the “10” button.

So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: “You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They’ll rob you blind. Don’t you go paying them what they ask. You haggle.” At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, “That’ll be twenty dollars, lads.” “Oh no you don’t! My dad warned me about you. You’ll only be getting fifteen dollars from me,” says one of the men. “And you’ll only be getting fifteen from me too,” adds the other.

Q: Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek?
A: Because he was always spotted.

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Of course. The Empire State Building can’t jump.

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, “Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don’t know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can’t answer yours I will give you $5,000.” The idiot says, “Okay.” The genius then asks, “How many continents are there in the world?” The idiot doesn’t know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, “Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?” The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, “Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?” The idiot hands over $5.

The energizer bunny was arrested on a charge of battery.

I couldn’t figure out why the baseball
kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

Q: Why can’t you trust an atom?
A: Because they make up everything.

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord.” He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: “Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive.”

Q: Can February march?
A: No, but April may.

Teacher: “Which book has helped you the most in your life?”
Student: “My father’s check book!”

I used to be addicted to soap.
But I’m clean now.

Dad: “Can I see your report card, son?”
Son: “I don’t have it.”
Dad: “Why?”
Son: “I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.”

Q: Why did the witches’ team lose the baseball game?
A: Their bats flew away.

Where did Lucy go after the explosion?
Everywhere.

Math Teacher: “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?”
Student: “A drinking problem.”

A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke,
but he was alright because it was a soft drink.

Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
A: A pork chop.