funny dad jokes
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter’s car seat with one
hand and said, “How do one armed mothers do it?” Without
missing a beat I replied, “Single handedly.”
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
My wife is really mad at the fact that
I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
When a dad drives past a cow pasture: LOOK! That cow is OUT-STANDING in his field!
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town,
apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can’t remember… I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife…
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually
cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell
“Get down!” anymore when the president is
about to be attacked. Now they have to yell “Donald, duck!”
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened
to one word I’ve said, have you!?” What a strange way
to start a conversation with me…
When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that’s a popular cemetery?
Yep, people are just dying to get in there!
My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse,
you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.
WAITRESS: “Soup or salad?” DAD: “I don’t want a SUPER salad, I want a regular salad.”
DAD, TO A SINGER: “Don’t forget a bucket.”
SINGER: “Why?” DAD: “To carry your tune.”
best dad jokes
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s
round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… He said,
“But dad, your name is Brian.” I said, “I know, but I was
named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”
KID: “Dad, make me a sandwich!” DAD: “Poof, you’re a sandwich!”
innocent dad jokes
SERVER: “Sorry about your wait.”
DAD: “Are you saying I’m fat?”
KID: “Hey, I was thinking…” DAD: “I thought I smelled something burning.”
CASHIER: “Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?”
DAD: “No, just leave it in the carton!’”
GRANDPA: I have a ‘dad bod’,
DAD: To me it’s more like a father figure.
When you ask a dad if he’s alright: “No, I’m half left.”
SON: *hands my Dad his 50th birthday card*,
DAD: You know, one would have been enough.
When you ask a dad if they got a haircut: “No, I got them all cut!”
GROCERY STORE CHECKER: “Paper or plastic?” DAD: “Either, I’m bisacktual.”
best all time dad jokes
What do you call a fish with two knees?
A two-knee fish!
Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe!
What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them!
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I’m not going to spread it!
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together!
Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well!
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with!
What do you call a factory that sells passable products?
A satisfactory!
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it!
Want to hear a joke about construction?
I’m still working on it!
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast!
What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.”
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Never mind, I won’t tell it because it’s just tearable.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down.
What do you call a man with no nose and no body?
Nobody nose.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Wrinkly.
Why did the man stop his origami business?
Because it folded.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta.
insta funny dad jokes
What happened when the two antennas got married?
Well, the ceremony was kinda boring, but the reception was great!
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why can’t the bicycle stand up?
Because it’s too tired.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field!
What do you call a mac ‘n’ cheese that gets all up in your face?
Too close for comfort food!
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tired!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere!
What did the man say about his sick cat?
He doesn’t think it’s feline well.
If I was a superhero, I would be Typo Man;
and I would write all wrongs.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
What did the painter say to the wall?
Don’t worry, I got you covered.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
