husband wife funny jokes
When you are single you see happy couple every where,
But
When u r married
you see Happy Singles every where
Banta: Why did you beat your wife so much?
Santa: The ayurved told me to “beat properly” before administering the medicine to her!
Definition of Honeymoon:
a man’s last holiday
before he starts working
for a new boss !!
Husband to Wife: Don’t be afraid of a few extra pounds.
Fat people are harder to kidnap.
Wife: Omg, now I get it!
Husband: You get what?
Wife: You know, when things heat up, they expand.
Husband: And?
Wife: I’m not Fat, I’m Hot!
Wife: I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs.
Wife to Husband: I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Husband to Wife: The only reason I am fat is because a skinny body couldn’t possibly store all this personality.
Husband to Wife: You are getting fat.
Wife to Husband: I’m not fat.
God gave me airbags cause I’m precious.
Husband to Wife: They say that the body is made up of 90% water
So…
I’m not fat
I’m just water logged!
Husband: I want my wife like Google, She will understand me better.
Husband to Wife: You don’t have to be skinny to be sexy or beautiful…
Beauty is the size of your heart, not the size of your jeans.
Q: Why doesn’t our democratic society permit a man to have 2 wives?
A: Because our laws protect us against cruel and unusual punishment.
Q: What to give a man who’s got everything?
A: A woman. She’ll tell him how everything works.
Husband to Wife: I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
I don’t have a girlfriend, but I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.
I have three kids and no money. Why I can’t I have no kids and three money?
Every guy thinks that every girls dream is to find the perfect guy…
Please. Every girls dream is to Eat without getting Fat
My Diet Plan:
Make my husband lots of cupcakes.
The fatter he gets, the thinner I look.
Husband to Wife: I’m not FAT.
I’m just so freaking sexy it overflows.
You can’t put a value on a human life, but my wife’s life insurance company made a pretty fair offer.
Marriage is an institution of three rings. Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of
them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age.”
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
“Well”, he replied. “I said I was 87!”
Wife: “Darling, can I go out in this dress?”
Husband: “Yes dear, it’s already dark out.”
A Man Lost his Wife In Tsunami
One Drunk-Night ..
while standing on the Seashore, waves touching
on his feets .
He shouted to the Sea: ‘No matter how many times your Waves Touch my Feet
I’ll Never take her back .. !!
Its your mistake..
Deal With It Now…
The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is…
Jusr open the door and tell her to take Ola Cab back home!!!
A man goes down on his knees and proposes to her..
Marry Me… and Make me the Happiest Man in the World
Looking bewildered she replied
You want Both !!!??
My wife’s cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
My wife is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters… But
if I take a single one of her dresses, suddenly “we need to talk.”
My wife told me she needs more space. I said no problem and locked her out of the house.
There are two types of wives.
First Type: Quiet, Beautiful, Understanding, Not Argumentative, Loving, One who listens to husband
Second Type: Your own wife
WHO’S GUILTY ! Husband and wife are sleeping..
Wife dreaming… and she suddenly shouts “Quick,
my husband is back”… Husband gets up in lightning speed & jumps out of the window.
Heated gold is called ornaments
Beated copper is called wire
Compressed carbon is called diamond.
Heated,beated and compressed human is called HUSBAND
Husband: Have you heard of King Akbar?
Wife: Yes, what about him?
Husband: He had three wives.
Wife: So??
Husband: That means I can marry two more times?
Wife: Have you heard of Draupadi !!!???
Husband: I was just kidding dear!!!! You take things too seriously!!!!
Wife: Dear..do you remember what saree I was wearing when u came to see me…for the first time.
Husband: No..I don’t remember.
Wife: see..u don’t love me at all.
Husband: its not like that honey.. A person going to keep his head on the
railway track will not be checking whether it is shatabdi express or Rajadhani.
Best one line ad by a married man on OLX:
“For Sale – Wedding Suit, used only once by Mistake……”
Husband and Wife jokes
Man outside phone booth: “Excuse me you are holding phone since 29 minutes
and you haven’t spoken a word”.
Man inside: “I am talking to my wife”
best husband wife funny jokes
Wife joins english speaking class. After few days.
Wife : Welcome home darling.
Husband : I m so tired today.
Wife : Ok. Rest in Peace.
It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most and when a man does that.
The slide show begins.
Husband: I found Aladin’s lamp today.
Wife: wow, what did u ask for darling??
Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times..
Wife: oh..jaan..luv u so much.. Did he do that??
Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn’t apply on zero.
Judge : Why did you beat your husband’s head with a chair?
Wife : Because the table was a bit too heavy for me to lift.
Arguing with the wife is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use on
the internet. In the end you just give up and go “I Agree”. | More Jokes at
A woman sued a reputed Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in her.
A hospital spokesman replied: “He was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was just correct his eyesight.”
Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.
It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!
Childhood is when you go to the toilet in the night and then you run back and
jump in your bed, glad that the monster under the bed didn’t get you.
Adulthood is when the monster lies in the bed next to you.
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
“How wonderful! But I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms, too, and died.”
“Oh, how terrible!
I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”
“He died of a broken neck.”
“A broken neck?”
“He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”
Shocking Introduction at a party…
One man to another: Meet my wife tanya ..
2nd one : ya, I know her.
1st one : how..?
2nd one : we were caught many a times sleeping together.
1st one : Wat??? Angrily.. What the hell u r talking..??
2nd one : during lectures in science & history classes. We were classmates.
A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served,
Husband: “the food looks delicious, let’s eat.”
Wife: honey…..you say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: that’s at home sweetheart……here the chef knows how to cook.
A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and wife didn’t speak to him for 6 months.
Was the necklace FAKE?
Nooooo! That was the deal!!
At a medical check-up: Do you do dangerous sports?
Well, sometimes I talk back at my wife.
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
“My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done,
I’m still in my pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight !
Why the hell did you bring him home for?”
Husband answers “Because he’s thinking of getting married”
Husband to Wife: I used to think I was indecisive, but after married I’m not too sure.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Husband to Wife: I Wish Going To The Gym Was As Easy As Going To The Fridge.
Husband to Wife: A Balanced Diet Is Chocolate In Both Hands
A married man’s prayer;
Dear God, u gave me childhood, u took it away
U gave me youth, u took it away.
U gave me a wife………. Its been years now,
just reminding u……
latest husband wife funny jokes
Police Inspector: Why didn’t you report your stolen credit card?
Husband: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Inspector: Then why are you reporting it now?
Husband: I think now the thief’s wife has started using it!
$fresh new husband wife jokes in english very funny$
Real Astronomers are in our family,
1st Mother who showed the moon in childhood.
2nd papa – who used to show the whole universe in just 1 slap.
Third wife – who shows stars during the day. This NASA is just confusion.
More or less, every husband is like a movie;
Produced by Mother and Directed by Wife!
very funny husband wife jokes in english-
Banta: How the word “Wife” was invented?
Santa: They took the first two and last two letters of “Wildlife”!
Ravana was furious with all the people ganging up to burn him. He shouted at
all of them “what harm did I do to any of you? I didn’t kidnap your wife ”
The angry crowd responded “that’s what we are burning you for, you evil guy. ”
Husband: I need space…
Wife: Join NASA..
A controversial & debatable …question
Today if Ravan took your wife away ….. would you still consider him evil ……
Doc to lady: Any history of insanity in the family ? Lady: Yes… My husband
thinks he is the Boss of the house!!!
Wife: I have changed my mind
Husband: Is it working now?
Maximum husbands love their wife’s friends…!!!
…..Men are generally nice…..
Wife is angry ????as hubby stands too close to a beautiful girl in bus,
a few seconds later the girl slaps him for pinching.
Hubby to wife: I swear I didn’t .
Wife: I know, I did it..
A man married his own secretary thinking that she will still follow
his orders as before !!
What is the difference between welding and wedding
In welding there are sparks first and bonding forever, , whereas
in wedding there is bonding first and sparks forever
Difference between “Facebook” and “Whatsapp” conversation :
On “Whatsapp” –
Wife : Kab se wait kar rahi hoon. Ghar kab aa rahe ho, Loafer?
Husband : Abhi kuchh pataa nahi. Dimaag mat chaato. Jab dekho pareshaan karti rehti ho.
On “FaceBook” –
Wife : Dear when will you be back? You are the best husband in the world. Miss you. Come back soon.
(Status liked by 50 of her friends)
Husband : Thanks for being there always. So lucky to have a wonderful wife
like you. Will be back soon honey. (Status liked by 75 friends,
including sister-in-law & mother-in-law) Dow din se mera Kya hoga?
Wife: Today, I want to relax, So I have brought three movie tickets.
Husband: why three tickets?
Wife: you and your parents.
A wife hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone.
The husband is surprised, “Wow, that was quick – usually you women are at it for two hours at least!”
“Yeah, well, it was a wrong number.”
A man simply doesn’t have a clue what real happiness is
until he gets married. But then it’s already too late for him.
My wife told me to go and get something that would make her look sexy.
So I got drunk.
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.
We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.
A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
