one line funny family quotes

Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.

The bigger your family, the bigger your problems.

Family is like that annoying itch you can’t scratch.

Caller ID was invented for family screening.

I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.

Having a big family around is a good way to make sure there will always be someone to answer the phone – and forget the message.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

Important families are like potatoes. The best parts are underground.

I sustain myself with the love of family.”

Tennis just a game, family is forever.”

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Family means no one gets left behind or forgotten.

Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member does or says.

You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present”and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

best funny family quotes

Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.

One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.

The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended – and not to take a hint when a hint is not intended.

A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.

If you don’t believe in ghosts, you’ve never been to a family reunion.

The family, that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor in our innermost hearts never quite wish to.

My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called “Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film”.

The families of one’s friends are always a disappointment.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Bleeding ulcers run in my family. We give them to each other.

A family is a unit composed not only of children, but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.

Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.

Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie – not perfect but who’s complaining?

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.

Where does the family start? It starts with a young man falling in love with a girl – no superior alternative has yet been found.

I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?

Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.

Never judge someone by their relatives.

Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.

The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.

The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.

If the family were a fruit, it would be an orange. It’s a circle of sections, held together but separable – each segment distinct.

Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life’s list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.