1000+ Funny Jokes 2025 latest
Looking for the best funny jokes to brighten your day? Discover our 1000+ Funny Jokes 2025 collection, featuring the latest, most hilarious jokes that will leave you laughing out loud. Whether you love short jokes, one-liners, or silly puns, we’ve got you covered with fresh, shareable content. Perfect for WhatsApp, Instagram captions, and making your friends smile!
Funny Joke images 2025 latest || lws jokes
Looking for the funniest joke images of 2025? Get ready to laugh out loud with our latest collection of hilarious memes, funny pictures, and viral joke images. Whether you love witty one-liners, relatable humor, or goofy cartoons, we have something for everyone!
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Santa is in Delhi
Santa is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower. Santa says agrees. 'Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder.' The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Santa figures he has been made a fool by that man. On the next day Santa is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. 'Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder.' Santa gives him another thousand and says, 'Oye, I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder.'
santa banta jokes in english
Cool accent
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!” So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?” That’s about as far as I remember.
english jokes
fucking racist
What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you fucking racist.
short jokes
Irish wedding
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? One less drunk Irishman.
short jokes
friend of mine
A Christian friend of mine said that sex between two men is wrong in their eyes. I said, ‘You’re right, it’s supposed to be up the bum
dirty jokes
a bit of tomato sauce
A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!" The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"
english jokes
crime at an Apple Store
If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness
dad jokes
pig answered
A man walks by a blonde, who is holding a pig. The man asks, "Where did you get her?" The pig answered, "I won her at the fair."
blonde jokes
song about burritos
I wrote a song about burritos. It's a rap
pun jokes
bride tells her husband
A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"
dirty jokes
Welcome to Hell
Two friends die. One goes to Heaven and the other goes to Hell. The one that goes to Heaven begs the angel to let him visit his friend in Hell, and the angel agrees. He gets to Hell and sees his friend surrounded by beautiful women and alcohol everywhere. He says to his friend, "Wow, you were a son of a bitch when we were alive! Hell looks better than Heaven." So the friend in Hell says, "Pour yourself a glass of wine." The heavenly friend pours the wine, and notices that the glass has no bottom. The good friend looks at the bad one in confusion, and the bad friend says, "The glass has no bottom, and neither do the girls. Welcome to Hell."
dirty jokes
Monica Lewinsky walks
Monica Lewinsky walks into the dry cleaners. The old man behind the counter is hard of hearing and doesn't understand her request, so he says, "Come again." Monica responds, "No, this time it's mustard."
dirty jokes
One day a blonde
One day a blonde went into the library and asked the librarian, "Can I have a burger and fries?" The librarian replied, "This is the library." Then blonde whispered, "Oh. Can I have a burger and fries?"
blonde jokes
2 Swimming Pools
Banta built 2 Swimming Pools. And he left one of them unfilled y? When asked him, he said, “Oye, that’s for those who don’t know Swimming.”
english jokes
Babe What You Doing
Boyfriend: Babe What You Doing? Girlfriend: Nothing. Really Tired. Just Going To Sleep Now Honey. And You Sweetheart? Boyfriend: In The Club Standing Behind You
english jokes
Eiffel Tower
What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?" "They're both Paris sites
dad jokes
playing bridge
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
dirty jokes
Woman naked on the bed
After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action. He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happened." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily. Meanwhile back on the bed, Wonder Woman asked, "Did you hear something?" "No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass sure hurts like hell!"
dirty jokes
problem with scientists
What's the problem with scientists? Periodically they're wrong.
pun jokes
walked into a couch
A chemist walked into a couch store and ended up buying a photon.
pun jokes
honeymoon hotel
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
dirty jokes
sets of lips
Why do woman have two sets of lips? One set to tell you off with, and the other to make you forget you're mad!
dirty jokes
Jewish kids
Where do you send Jewish kids with Attention Deficit Disorder? Concentration Camp!
short jokes
blondes walk
Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it.....
blonde jokes
white owl and a black owl
Q:what's the difference between a white owl and a black owl. A:a white owl goes who who. a black owl goes who dat who dat.
short jokes
camouflage pants
I wanted to buy camouflage pants, but I couldn't find any.
pun jokes
Akbar joke
Teacher: Who was Akbar ? Boy: Akbar was Gay. Teacher:- What, Are you mad ? Why did you say that? Boy:- We have heard Laila – Majnu, Heer -Ranjha, Soni- Mahival, Romeo-Juliet But Only Akbar – Birbal !😁
teacher student jokes in english
may I interview you
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?" Man: "Yes!" Reporter: "Name?" Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim." Reporter: "Sex?" Man: "Three to five times a week." Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?" Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel." Reporter: "Holy cow!" Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general." Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?" Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style." Reporter: "Oh dear!" Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
dirty jokes
didn't know what
I met a giant once. I didn't know what to say so I used big words.
pun jokes
babies come from
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
dirty jokes
Two bored casino dealers
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?" The other answers, "I don’t know, I thought you were watching."
blonde jokes
all trapped
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
blonde jokes
Adele cross the road
Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side.
pun jokes
fish wearing
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?" "Sofishticated
dad jokes
A little boy walks
A little boy walks into his parents' room while they're having sex. The boy asks, "What are you doing?" The mother explains, "Your daddy was full of air, so I was jumping on him to get it out." The boy says, "That's funny. Every time you leave for work, your sister comes and blows him right back up."
dirty jokes
hanging onto a rope
There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, "I'll get off." The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping. Problem solved.
english jokes
A blonde sees a thermos
A blonde sees a thermos in a store. She asks a clerk, "What is that and what's it for?" The clerk answers, "It's a thermos that keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The blonde says, "I'll take it." When she gets to work, her blonde boss asks, "What is that?" The blonde worker says, "It's a thermos. It keeps cold things cold and hot things hot." "Whatcha got in it?" "A cup of coffee and a Popsicle."
blonde jokes
using the bathroom
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent
dad jokes
drifts over a desert
What is red and drifts over a desert? - A fart with a sunburn.
stupid jokes
a redhead
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
english jokes
kangaroo jump higher
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? - Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
english jokes
invented dancing
Teacher: “Who do you think invented dancing, children?” - Little Johnny: “My guess is a big Irish family with just one bathroom.” 😋😋😋😋
english jokes
shower is fun
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera
dad jokes
just finishing my make-up
Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up. You don’t need make-up, Jane. Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you! You need plastic surgery. 😂😂😋😋
english jokes
save two of every animal
Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
pun jokes
doctor complaining
A man goes to his doctor complaining about migraines. His doctor tells him, "I also suffer from the same ailment. Every time I get one, I give my wife oral sex. When she has an orgasm, she tightens her legs around my head which gets rid of the pain. You should try it sometime." Two weeks later on a return visit, the patient tells his doctor, "Your suggestion worked and I'd like to tell you that you have a very nice house."
dirty jokes
broken rubber
A kid walks up to his mom and asks, "Mom, can I go bungee jumping?" The mom says "No, you were born from broken rubber and I don't want you to go out the same way!"
dirty jokes
blonde tip
Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet? Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!!
blonde jokes
A married man
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
dirty jokes
What did the blonde say
What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box? "Omg, donut seeds!"
blonde jokes
brunette delivers
There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, "I'll get off." The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping. Problem solved.
blonde jokes
blonde are walking
A brunette and blonde are walking in the park when the brunette says, "Aw, look at the dead birdie." The blonde looks up and says, "Where?"
english jokes
Samoan climb
How did the Samoan climb the tree? He didn't. He scared the limbs out of it.
short jokes
Santa and Banta are walking
Santa and Banta are walking on a road, and they find a 1000 rupee note lying down. Santa - What should we do now? Banta- We'll take 50:50. Santa- What about the remaining 900? 😋😋😋😁
english jokes
blonde are stranded
A brunette, redhead, and blonde are stranded on the edge of a cliff. An angel appears and instructs them to jump off the cliff and say out loud what they would like to land on safely. The brunette goes first. She jumps and says, "Pillows!" She lands on a pile of pillows at the bottom. The redhead goes next. She jumps and says "Feathers!" She lands on a mass of feathers below. The blonde walks up to the edge, but trips on a rock, yelling, "Shit!" as she falls off.
blonde jokes
Santa goes into a bar
Santa goes into a bar in New York. The man on his right orders a drink, 'Johnnie Walker, single.' The man on his left says, 'Jack Daniels, single.' Santa says. 'Santa Singh, married.'
santa banta jokes in english
lady goes to the doctor
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."
dirty jokes
call a Mexican basketball
What do you call a Mexican basketball player? Mexi-cant.
short jokes
calling you
I'm not calling you a slut, I'm calling you a penny: two faced, worthless, and in everyone's pants.
dirty jokes
independent 75-year-old woman
A difficult independent 75-year-old woman liked sitting by the park feeding the pigeons. One day she brought with her a whole loaf of fresh bread just to feed her daily company. Little by little, pinch by pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy. She sat there without being noticed by anyone in the rich suburban neighborhood. Then suddenly a man in his early 40's rained on her parade by telling her that she shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere when there are a lot of people starving in Africa. She replied in crazed anger and without hesitation, "Well, hell, I can't throw that far!"
english jokes
I love math
I love math. And then sum.
pun jokes
a redhead
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
blonde jokes
husband's temper
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The doctor asks, "So what seems to be the problem?" The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason at all. It's starting to scare me." The Doctor tells her, "I think I have just the cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish, and swish, but don't swallow it until he leaves the room or decides to go to bed." Two weeks later, the woman returns, looking fresh and reborn. The woman says, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started to lose it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?!" The Doctor informs her, "The water itself does nothing. It's having to keep your mouth shut that does the trick."
english jokes
mother's womb
Three babies are in their mother's womb. One of them says, "I want to be an artist so everyone knows what it looks like in here." The next one says, "I want to be a swimmer because I get so much practice in here." The last baby says, "I'm going to be a hunter because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again, I'm going to chop that thing in half!"
dirty jokes
a big plus
What's the best thing about Switzerland?" "I don't know, but the flag is a big plus
dad jokes
most common word used
Teacher asked the students to tell the most common word used by students in a classroom. Suddenly a student got up and said “Can’t Sir”! Brilliant! You are right, the teacher said!
english jokes
the bread say
What did the bread say to the baker? "You knead me."
pun jokes
Chinese people
Q: Why do Chinese people have Chinese babies? A: Because two Wongs don't make a white.
short jokes
ordinary blowjob
Q: What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? A: "Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob."
dirty jokes
A guy and girl
A guy and girl had sex poem competition. Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine." Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."
dirty jokes
best smelling insect
What's the best smelling insect?" "A deodor-ant
dad jokes
My whole body
Brunette: "Where were you born?" Blonde: "The United States." Brunette: "Which part?" Blonde: "My whole body."
blonde jokes
phone number
This blonde calls me and says, "What's your phone number? I cant find it!"
blonde jokes
most effective way
One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think it’s b***ocks
dirty jokes
naked woman
A statue of a naked woman and a naked man stand in a park at night. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a magical genie arrives and grants the statues each one wish to be fulfilled. Both the female and male statues agree on 15 minutes as a real man and woman in the bushes behind them to "get things done." The genie gives a knowing grin and grants the wish. The man and woman immediately jump behind the bushes and screaming sounds and laughter can be heard from their activities. 12 minutes later they return to the front of the bush again claiming they are finished. "Well now, that was kinda quick!" the genie says. "You can do it a second time for the remaining 3 minutes if you want," the genie tells them, winking his eye. Both the female and male look at each other and smile. The man says to the woman, "Okay great, but this time you get to hold the pigeon so I can shit on him!"
dirty jokes
An Irishman joke
An Irishman, an Indian man, a British man, and a Scottish man are riding in a plane. The pilot shouts back, "We need to lose some weight or we'll crash!" So the Irishman throws out some beer and saying, "We got enough of that in our country." The Indian throws out some curry and says, "We got enough off that in our country." The Scottish man throws some bagpipes off and says, "We got enough of that in our country." Then the British man picks up the Indian and chucks him off the plane saying, "We got enough off them that in our country."
short jokes
A zebra
What’s black, red, black, red, black, red? - A zebra with a sun burn.
stupid jokes
Homework joke
Teacher: Can I see your homework Me: Haha no way loser do your own 😁😁😁😁
teacher student jokes in english
little boy caught
A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?" The mom said, "We were baking a cake." A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake?" She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch
dirty jokes
funny and beautiful
“You are so kind, funny and beautiful.” “Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.” “And smart, too!”
english jokes
I refuse to eat this roastbeef
Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roastbeef. Please call the manager! “ Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”
english jokes
afraid of speed
I'm afraid of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.
pun jokes
Can February March
Can February March? No, but April May
pun jokes
favorite sport
What is the favorite sport of Mexicans? Cross Country
short jokes
Olympic medals
Mexico doesn't win Olympic medals because all the best runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in America.
short jokes
The bell rang
The bell rang for school to start and John walked in late. Mr. Clark asked, "John, why are you late?" He replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Then he sat down. Ten minutes later Nathan walked in late and Mr. Clark repeated, "Why are you late?" Nathan answered, "I was on top of Cherry Hill." Five minutes later Kevin walked in late and Mr. Clark said to him, "Kevin, where have you been?" Kevin replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Ten minutes later a girl walked in the classroom and Mr. Clark asked, "Hi there, what's your name?" The girl replied, "Cherry Hill."
dirty jokes
blonde are stranded
A brunette, redhead, and blonde are stranded on the edge of a cliff. An angel appears and instructs them to jump off the cliff and say out loud what they would like to land on safely. The brunette goes first. She jumps and says, "Pillows!" She lands on a pile of pillows at the bottom. The redhead goes next. She jumps and says "Feathers!" She lands on a mass of feathers below. The blonde walks up to the edge, but trips on a rock, yelling, "Shit!" as she falls off.
blonde jokes
Penis and Balls
One night, Penis and Balls were sitting in a couch. Penis said to Balls, "We are going to a party. Balls said, "F*ck off, you always leave me knocking."
dirty jokes
A sailor drops
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders. As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"
dirty jokes
banana factory
Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones
dad jokes
The women need
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
blonde jokes
call a factory
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?" "A satisfactory
dad jokes
mirror that killed anyone
Once there was a mirror that killed anyone who lied... French : I think I dont smoke (died). American : I think I love my wife (died). Santa: I think.. (died) 😋😋😋😁
english jokes
had a dream
I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea
dad jokes
she was pregnant
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? I wonder if it's mine.
blonde jokes
cross a Puerto
Q:What do you have when you cross a Puerto Rican and a Pollack? A: A graffiti artist who spray paints on chain linked fences.
short jokes
they're sick
Where do boats go when they're sick?" "To the boat doc
dad jokes
cows masturbating
What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off!
dirty jokes
call the lesbian
What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam!
dirty jokes
A cheeseburger
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here
dad jokes
25th wedding anniversary joke
Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee. As I’d hoped, I got a reaction from my husband. When he saw me, he shouted, “Are those potato chips?”
english jokes
a great new drug
Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.” Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?” Doctor: “Every two hours.”
english jokes
Little Johnny's classmate
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
dirty jokes
Me and my wife
Me and my wife decided that we don't want to have children anymore. So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.
english jokes
What do politicians and diapers
Q: What do politicians and diapers have in common? - A: Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.
english jokes
wife and daughter
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
dirty jokes
A penguin takes
A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."
dirty jokes
My wife suffers
“My wife suffers from a drinking problem.” - “Oh is she an alcoholic?” - “No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”
english jokes
A blonde was swerving
A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?" The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!" The cop looked at her and said, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener!"
blonde jokes
William Sexfear
According To William Sexfear Every Wife Is A Mistress For Her Husband. Miss For One Hour And . . . . Stress For The Remaining 23 Hours.
english jokes
Why should you wear
Why should you wear glasses when doing math? They improve division.
pun jokes
camouflage pants
I wanted to buy camouflage pants, but I couldn't find any.
pun jokes
women need
Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you
dirty jokes
such a passionate kisser
Oh darling, since you’ve started dieting, you’ve become such a passionate kisser… What do you mean, passionate? I’m looking for food remains!
english jokes
man gets
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha!" he says, "I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume, "I'm the bus driver!"
dirty jokes